R.I.P.

Tuesday, 12 October, 2004
Top 7 Results Show

R.I.P. - Ricki is pissed, and so am I.

No Ricki, no Ricki! The would-be winner is out. And, sadly, the statement "Marty is in the Top 6 of Australian Idol" is now true. It's like a sick dream. This out-Paulini's the Paulini debacle, and establishes a new Idol scandal barometer: the Rick-ter scale.



'Tis a monumentally depressing day for Australians. Who would have thought two successive senseless nation-wide votes would befall us?

Some thoughts on last night:

*Someone out there is not sleeping on Sunday nights and instead engaging in a non-stop overnight vote for Marty. While it is unclear whether that person is Marty's mum or Peter Garrett, I cannot conceive that more than one human is voting for him. He did speak for a nation though when he said to Andrew G, "Can we just get on with it?"

*In our efforts to save Casey, we neglected to direct our votes to Ricki. Obviously this was a mere failure to vote for the shoo-in, and not, as I heard on the train this morning, because Ricki resembles a chipmunk.



*Courtney is a smug little shithead.

*The hosts are actually regressing in their ability to present, if that's at all possible. Andrew G's comment to Anthony and Ricki on the couch, "I guess you're both wondering how the nation voted," was steeped in a new kind of idiocy.

*Chanel in the Bottom 2, again? I was prepared to say good-bye, given she was always destined to leave in the next couple of weeks anyway. I don't think she'd really care, actually. In fact, I'd be looking forward to some further comment on Marcia at that point, since she's clearly aware of what the Idol talking points are. I can't wait to see what the next thing is that she wants "to clear up" on stage - perhaps her own take on Anthony's recent public denial?



*Does anyone else feel the sickening prospect of a Hayley v. Marty final coming on? All I can think of is that the nation came to its senses last year after the Paulini scare and voted Millsy out. Hopefully the Ricki scandal will send Marty packing.

*I am feeling unusually bereft because I don't know where to direct my enthusiasm now. I wanted a girl to win, and as much as I love Chanel, she would be an unlikely winner, and there's no-one else worthy.

*On second thoughts, barring a drop in standard, I'm putting Chanel's voteline on speed dial until the Opera House. She's the only one there now with any unique star power and, I dare say, musicianship. Her voice is hugely imperfect and lacking in range but I can think of at least 15 major brilliant recording artists who share those flaws (Bjork, Carole King, Melissa Tkautz etc). So she's weird, polarising, and probably should speak less than she does. (A lot less.) But that's exactly what qualifies her as a star.



Let us band together and boycott all those performers whose names end in "y".

Random Musings On The Top 7

Monday, 11 October 2004
Top 7: Beatles Comedy Night

*As notionally pleasant as it sounds, Marcia’s tendency to declare some performers “more than welcome” perplexes me. I am straining to imagine what degree of “welcome” exists beyond, well, welcome.



*Chanel’s performance, despite being dedicated to the Bega Valley Shire, was not in the slightest bit cheesy. But her outfit, also clearly dedicated to the Bega Valley Shire, still somehow put me in mind of something dairy-related. Nevertheless, her best performance so far elicited a compliment from Marcia, and a standing ovation from Daniel Belle, in an effort, perhaps, to be more than welcome after the show.




*Anthony, who somehow managed to avoid accidentally singing “I saw him standing there”, did an excellent throwback to Young Talent Time. Of all the Beatles songs, this is the only one he was familiar with, which is probably unsurprising, given this is a song covered by that talented songstress Tiffany back in 1987. Anthony unquestionably owns this album.



*Saliva-deficient Marty licked his lips and swallowed the mic through an allegedly rock performance of “Oh darlin’”. It must have killed Marty to drop the “g” off the end of “darling” – he enunciates most words within an inch of their lives. Yet he managed to escape comments from James Mathison and Dicko who had both expected the word to end in a “k”.



*Vote for Casey to ensure she doesn’t try to emulate her Idol Kurt Cobain, and to save us, perhaps as a consequence, from another week of Marty’s open shirt.

*Casey’s so-called lyric lapse occurred after the verse in “Eleanor Rigby” about Father Mackenzie writing the words to a sermon no-one would hear. Clearly, mumbling thereafter was actually part of a clever and ironic textual interpretation by Casey. Brilliant.



*Voice of a nation: Dicko, raising his finger, saying “Hold on, I’m talking, Marcia.”

*Ricki-Lee, singing her second song of the competition featuring the words “Work it out”, appears to be quite confident in her problem-solving abilities but not in her Beatles knowledge. I hate to sound like Courtney, but is it not slightly bizarre to claim singing as one’s calling and not be familiar with at least more than one Beatles song?

Top 3 Performances
Chanel

Top 3 Judges
Dicko
Mark

Top 3 Hosts
-

Projected Bottom 3
Casey
Hayley
Marty

Prediction
Casey is in real danger unless we all try to save her. Surely common sense dictates that we must join together and avoid the notion of the words “Marty”, “Australian Idol” and “Top 6” coinciding in some cruel amalgam, unless said amalgam looks like this: “Marty failed to make the Top 6 of Australian Idol”.

Hines v Cole*

*Monday, 4 October 2004

Witness the progression of Marcia’s opinion of Chanel:

SEMI-FINAL (Portishead, “Glory Box”)
“You chose an obscure song but sang it beautifully.”
Translation: “Who are Portishead? My daughter Deni doesn’t sing Portishead."
Cattiness Factor: 1/5 Nothing overt here. Clearly, no behind-the-scenes fighting just yet.

FINALS WEEK 1 (Badloves, “Green Limousine”)
“Thank you for being a unique individual.”
Translation: “I dislike you and you are weird but this is perhaps not entirely bad, objectively speaking.”
Cattiness Factor: 2/5 Subtle beginnings.

FINALS WEEK 2 (Propellerheads feat. Shirley Bassey, “History Repeating”)
“You knew exactly what you had to do and you did it. It’s great to see someone look so comfortable.”
Translation: “Your sluttiness becomes you.”
Cattiness Factor: 3/5 Now becoming evident. No direct criticisms yet but obviously Marcia’s partner has expressed that Chanel is attractive.

FINALS WEEK 3 (Dionne Warwick, “Walk on By”)
“You always do different things and your voice is always pure but you should push yourself like the other girls.”
Translation: “You’re weird and your voice is rank and the other competitors can actually sing.”
Cattiness Factor: 3.5/5 Marcia offers an opinion for the first time in 2 years.

FINALS WEEK 4 (Gloria Gaynor, “Never Can Say Goodbye”)
“You are quirky but it seems to be a charade. Stay true to yourself.”
Translation: “Your sole apparent quality is being weird, which you are not even good at!”
Cattiness Factor: 4/5 Clearly Marcia cannot decide if Chanel is actually weird or not.

FINALS WEEK 5 (k.d. lang, “Constant Craving”)
“k.d. lang songs are hard to sing, aren’t they? You needed to have a ‘belter’ moment and you didn’t.”
Translation: “You can’t sing. Please expire."
Cattiness Factor: 5/5 Marcia cannot be more obvious.

Watch her face tonight as Chanel escapes the Bottom 3 again. Or, even better, if Chanel is Bottom 2, watch Marcia’s opinion as to the likely/preferred evictee!

I Like Your Old Stuff Better Than Your New Stuff

There used to be a time when the word "blog" only made me think of a prolonged visit to the men's with the sports section of The Age.


"That's a ridiculous way to read a newspaper"

To each their own, bitch.

Anyway, in mid-2004, when I randomly wrote something about Australian Idol 2 to share with a handful of work colleagues, it was by the primitive means of E-MAIL.


"We find that vaguely disquieting"

I know, right? But it turns out that Australian Idol 2 was one of the best things to ever exist - and everyone wanted to talk about it. It foisted polarising new characters onto the public consciousness (several very literally larger than life), incited empassioned debate and jeopardised several workplace friendships thanks to the crafty use by an opinionated few of the "reply-all" button in response to said e-mails produced many memorable performances.

And so the e-mails continued. They eventually gave way to the blog in time for Australian Idol 3 - but that, as we all know, ended in a fucking dreadful shambles.


A visual representation of the result (strap-on not visible)

Further disillusioned by the shittest Final 5 in the show's history this year, I thought it high time to revisit the show's halcyon days from 2004.

That year featured some of the show's most brilliant stoushes: Marcia v Chanel, Casey v Anthony, Ricki-Lee v Everyone Who Didn't Vote, Courtney v A Trough.

Check back over the next few days for as I up-load those old e-mails for the purpose of said reminiscing.

As you'll see, the blog's genesis fittingly lies with the Marcia God.

V