Idol Outcome Painfully Callea

Monday, 8 November 2004

Welcome to the world of Idol, where touchdowns are as random as apostrophes* and where Anthony last night convincingly grabbed hold of the tiara crown.
"Idols Choice” (sic), “Beatle’s Week” (sic). (Who is Beatle?)














But first up, greetings and apologies to everyone for my slack no-show last week. With Chanel gone, I tuned out. Interestingly, so did about half a million other people. (Voters: I’ve got nothin’ mo’ to say to you.)

The truth be told, I was still in mourning. For Chanel, for Australian Idol, in fact for all the world’s optional voting systems that deliver inexplicable results.

You know the world is overpopulated with the wrong kind of people when George W. Bush gets sent back to the White House and Hayley "Jenny Eyelash" Jensen gets sent back to the couch.

Her repeated failure to be eliminated was turning Australian Idol into a veritable tragedy:

Thrice on the brink but she kept on surviving
Each performance a boring recital
But each week the votes, and this question, kept thriving:
"Can bogan Canberrans win Idol?"

Tragic, isn’t it? Luckily, the answer was a resounding "No."


Sometimes bending over backwards isn't enough

And so, after two weeks languishing Casey-style in a black doona, mourning has broken: with Idol now bogan-free, I realised there might still be an adequate outcome to this farcical journey and tuned in last night.

How did everyone do?

COURTNEY "COUNTRY RUMP" MURPHY


Courtney was the night’s first beneficiary of Mark Holden’s increasingly random issuing of touchdowns. It was quite good, as far as Courtney goes. I’m just over him. Even his faux modesty in declaring "I tried to choose the song that would be the most impossible for me to perform…" came off as sensationally arrogant. He probably even thought Casey’s first song was about him. It’s time to go: Courtney.

CASEY DOONA-VAN


Overall, Casey’s voice last night produced two songs and two complete sentences and earned one touchdown. As much as I love Casey, the touchdown was unwarranted, though she certainly got stuck into some mean-arsed neck swiveling during that first song, prompting Marcia to prove her neck is far more flexible in response. Both of her performances were excellent, but I wish she’d "had a belt moment" in her 2nd song. (NB. Not a Michael Hutchence-type belt moment.)

Of the two full sentences she uttered, the 2nd, in response to why she chose to sing "Misty Blue" ("I was just flicking through some papers and thought, Misty Blue") revealed her to be either clairvoyant or alarmingly unfussy. She’s taken the criticism on board but has a long way to go before any of her comments are actually transcribable without the use of “ – “ or “…”.

Truly, though, Casey is pretty damn amazing. Seeing flashbacks to her performances reminded me of three things:

1. Casey has been the most consistent, fascinating, haunting singer thus far and deserves a place in the Top 2.
2. Casey’s performances make us forget she is only 16.
3. Casey should never, ever again be backlit.

ANTHONY CALLEA PATRA


Anthony certainly has had a big week, what with rehearsals, filming his weekly performance as Charla on The Amazing Race and again addressing the issue of his sexuality in the media.



While we await John Laws’ view on the subject, and whatever the truth may be, I think Anthony needs to accept some responsibility for drawing attention himself to the issue of whether or not he is, as they say, "a friend of Dorothy". He has done this variously by:

1. Singing songs written or popularised by Human Nature, Christina Aguilera and Tiffany.
2. Creaming his pants every time Tina Arena is mentioned.
3. Last night performing a song by a band called "Toto". Toto was Dorothy’s dog in the Wizard of Oz. There is no bigger friend of Dorothy. That’s all I’m sayin’.



Last night he romped it home. I’ve said it before: he’s clearly the most impressive and technically proficient vocalist. He’s highly recordable and will be a worthy winner; that is to say, he is eminently capable of producing a naff, inconsequenstial album of vacuous pop songs in 4 days. But the Millsy-esque head-to-the-side move that he insists on pulling out mid-song (presumably to convey "passion" or "emotion") and the tapping of the microphone with his stubby little fingers is really beyond tolerable at this point. (According to James Mathison last night, Anthony taps his fingers all the time, "even when there’s no microphone". The inferences to be drawn from this are disturbing.)

Still, I will grant him the only true touchdown of the night. Speaking of which, Marcia sho’ loves her some touchdowns, don’t she? Sister-girlfriend was raising the roof like crazy after Anthony’s performance. Although this is probably unsurprising given Marcia totally wants to bone anything with a Y chromosome.


And to swallow

So now we are down to the time in the competition, according to Andrew G, “where 3 people will become 2”.

Barring a sci-fi-like fusion of the contestants to boost ratings (and since Casey and Courtney will always be 3 people), this is strictly not going to happen. But we know what he means.

Which 2 will it be?

Reasons Casey should be in the Final 2
Four touchdowns
Brilliant vocal interpretation

Reasons Anthony should be in the Final 2
"The Prayer"

Reasons Courtney should be in the Final 2
-

Things pleasingly absent from last night’s show
Hayley

Anthony will, and probably should, win this competition. But let’s make sure it’s Casey alongside him at the finish.